Behind Golden Eyes
by jj-chan
Summary: Chapter One up. Of vague recollections, light violence, tragic theater plays, and surprisingly easy answers. And... some Loki x Fenris fluff?
1. Blurred Amber

Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't sue me, blah blah blah… ON TO TEH FICCY!

* * *

**Epilogue**

**-**

"_Stop_ …_please_…"

Shuffle, shuffle. Toss, turn.

"Chaos…hey, Chaos…"

"... _no, don't_…"

Turn, toss. Mumble. Groan.

"Cha-os! Wake UP!"

"_Mmmph _– huh? Whazzapenin – Iris?"

Chaos rubbed his eyes, sat up in bed, and looked around, noting that EVERYONE in their troop was in the inn room he shared with Loki. Had he been THAT loud?

The fiery tempered Cleric glared at him, promising painful death, probably for whatever wrong he'd done in his sleep. Reina (who had decided to stay with the humans for a while) shot him disturbed glances, Loki simply stared, Lidia seemed torn between sleepy irritation and reluctant concern, and Fenris looked at him half-anxiously, half-thoughtfully.

"Finally! Geez Chaos, we've been trying to wake you up for TEN MINUTES already!"

"Eh? Really?"

"Yes. They were starting to get alarmed." Loki's _worried? Whoa. Must've been THAT loud after all._

"Ah, t'was obviously just a nightmare. I'm fine now, not to worry 'bout me."

"Yeah, well, a _fine_ figure you make, all pale an' sweating an' -_moaning_-." _Shaddup Lidia_. He glowered. Iris did too. (Reina cocked her head to one side, not understanding.)

"But Chaos – " Fenris somehow managed to seem both apologetic and authoritative at once, " – that dream was not natural. Perchance you have been dreaming of that mysterious girl from your childhood again? You were murmuring about a '_her_' –"

"_Her_? What '_her_'?" _Opps. Forgot to tell Iris…_

Chaos found himself drifting as Fenris attempted to explain to a rather pissed Iris ("_I'm_ your childhood –your best – _friend_! How could you _not_ tell _me_?") about the dreams he had been having – of Odin and rain and death. He hadn't wanted her to know – she wouldn't understand, not like Fenris did. The former Goddess had experienced the same things, whereas Iris was more innocent than she seemed.

He tried to replay the dream and failed – the details slipping away as fast as he tried to hold on to them. After he felt his face scrunching in concentration and Loki staring at him again did he decide to stop aspiring.

_But it wasn't about that girl. This one was different, more … _'intense'_ is a good word as any I guess–_

"Chaos?"

"Huh?" _Damn, I zoned out again._

He started. Lidia and Iris had managed to get into another round of bickering, Loki had moved to stop them, Reina had left, and Fenris hadn't moved, she was gazing intently at his face. Chaos could feel himself blushing under her stare.

"Do you remember anything?"

"Nope. Sorry Fenris, don't remember a thing. Not a thing, except – "

_/ No…you can't. /_

_Huh?_

_/ Don't do this – it's wrong – you have _no_ right – there must be another way – STOP/_

"Chaos! What is wrong?"

_Her eyes…_

_/ …I'm sorry… /_

"Gold…"

**-**

**End of Epilogue**

(Er, yes, _epi_logue.)

* * *

_Authoress ramble._ Read if you want some background info. Skip if otherwise. X3

Personally, I think Freya is one of the (if not THE) biggest mysteries in Ragnarok. She's supposedly the MAIN villain, yet there's next to no Freya at all in the manwha. She's also ignored in a lot of fanfics except to serve a vague, faraway villain role. (Sara's Journey – exception. If you wanna see a spiffy Freya, read this. My physical description is much more sedate.) Is no one curious to the person behind the shadows?

**So I hope people will take notice of how badly I butchered this Freya fic and attempt to make decent ones. More Freya publicity! W00t!**

Anyway… fic info: **THERE IS NO STRAIGHTFORWARD PLOT.** It has no chronological order either, shifting back and forth between past and present (where I will try to squeeze in the FL-ness later). So, unlike Lorelei's Crossing, there is no 'grand hidden plot'. Just a different take on Freya's personality and the application of some of jj's numerous Ragnarok theories.

Like I'm taking the liberty of using one of jj's interpretations of the Balder and Fenris relationship. It's another mystery: what were they to each other _really_? (jj side comment: It has been stated as '_love_', but '_love_' can be horribly vague and varied, ne?)

As to why I'm writing this fic… admittedly, all I want is an excuse to make a scene that goes like (I hope I'll manage to stuff it in…):

Balder: Grrwwll…! ((kiss))

Freya: _ZOMGWTFBRB!_ O.O ((blushes madly))

Hope you liked it; please review; peace out!

– Penny –


	2. Vague Blue

Penny no own. jj no own. Lee Myung-Jin own. **Penny turns over fic to jj**. Where's book eleven?

This is for Miss **Rhea-samma **who needs to update her fics ((all of which jj lurves)). XD And Miss **yuya hime** because she said she'd give me critical opinions. And **Mecari **from the forums, how could I forget?

This is set years before Lorelei's Crossing and might eventually explain why Loki is so _weird _in LC.

* * *

**One: Of Tragic Plays and Important Realizations**

_Gold?_

_Yes, it _was_ gold… molten, burning hotly like it was being forged…_ Chaos' brow furrowed. His fingers fiddled with his knife absentmindedly. His other hand propped up his chin.

_What else was there? There was another color, I'm sure of it. _He frowned, ignoring his breakfast and companions, sifting through the remnants of his dream. _What is it that makes the damn dream so different?_

" – and then, Chaos, would you believe this? It's gonna be sooo cooool! Ya see – "

Iris was grinning happily, almost bouncing on her seat, talking about this and that and _ooh, did you know?_, occasionally stopping to scarf down humongous bites of food. She chatted animatedly, content as long as Chaos nodded now and then and pretended he was listening attentively, though she always noticed sooner of later if he wasn't being focused. Ah, Iris in hyper-happy mode. It would have been cute if it hadn't been so …

"Yer annoying."

"_Lidiiiaaa!_"

"_What_? It's the – _owww_, that hurt!"

"_Well, you deserved it!_"

"_Oh, and that means ya hafta_ _KILL ME?_"

"YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!"

Chaos vein popped. Unfocused? Well, take it back because he was getting pissed. But not by much, because they were all getting used to Iris' and Lidia's constant fights. Except Reina, who saw it as further proof that humans were vile creatures and almost always got them to stop –

_Thwack!_

with random inanimate objects, this time a fork traveling with dangerously high velocity into the wall behind them (but not before grazing Lidia's cheek and cutting some of Iris' hair) , and Loki, who could stop them –

"…"

with his patented glare of death. They settled down immediately, shooting each other poisonous looks.

Chaos ignored everything, which was unusual, and looked out the window, which wasn't as unusual, and stared absently at the sky. _Sky…_

_Yes, the sky, big and wide, stretching on forever, streaked with bright white, and blue: so lustrous, this blue, and pretty, too; smooth and silky to the touch – _

_Ehhh? Pretty sure I thought of something weird just now … but … _what the hell was it again

"Oi, are ya gonna eat that?"

"…"

Come to think of it, what did he want to know in the first place? His blasted thoughts were wandering again.

"I said…" Lidia took another breath.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you loud and clear. And _no_, it's mine; I feel darned hungry."

It was then that Chaos felt his stomach rumble, so the Rune Knight threw his thoughts to the air and dug into his meal with gusto.

-

Fifteen hours later, nobody was thinking about anything remotely related to the dream. No, their minds were occupied with –

"That," exclaimed Lidia, as she opened the inn's door to the girl's quarters, "Was a crappy waste of _my _Zeny."

"Rubbish!" Iris sat on the bed; her eyes were puffy and red. There were still-damp trails on her cheeks. "It was the most beautifully tragic love story _ever!_ Plus the actors were so convincingly _awesome. _Don't tell me you weren't touched. _You_ were crying, too!"

"I was _crying_ 'cause_ I_ spent all that money for _nothing!_"

"I agree," said the person who disagreed with her on almost everything. "You said you were on a 'perilous' quest. Why waste precious hours dawdling and spending on frivolous pursuits? That play had _nothing_ to do with the heart of Ymir, or anything else of importance."

"Oh guys, loosen up will you? We all needed some R and R. Besides, we couldn't leave the town until next week anyway. Might as well enjoy, right, Fenris?"

"…"

"…"

"Hey, where's Fenris?"

-

"Why did he do that? Sacrifice himself pointlessly?"

Fenris 'hmmed' beside him, seated on porch steps. The wind blew past them, chillingly brisk, reminding them of how late it was. Yet he was still facing her as she tilted her head towards the heavens and neither seemed to mind the cold.

"To save her, obviously. That's the way a tragedy usually goes – a true and lasting love, yet one of them dies, and the other is left to languish alone. I must say, despite the brilliant dialogue, the concept of the drama was rather overused."

"He acted foolishly."

She 'hmmed' again, this time in agreement.

"But it was a life and death situation, and her life was of more value to him than his own. He wanted her to live, to grow old with her loved ones, and be happy. Selfless love – "

"Why did he act so recklessly then, and killed himself? This is exactly what puzzles me about human behavior."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"You say their love was lasting and true? You say he loved her more than he loved himself. He wanted to 'save' her, to let her 'live', did he not? So why did he let himself be killed? What of _her_ feelings, then? She loved him too, or so she said. But she also said she would rather be killed herself. Where is the nobility, the sacrifice in _that_? They are both stupid. If either one of them dies, there _is_ no happiness. The one who 'lived' would suffer the most. It would have been more 'selfless' to let the other die. Could they not see that? Also, to begin with, if their goal was 'happily ever after', why did they pursue actions detrimental to that goal? But here is the most infuriating fact of all: _In the end, all of that pain was utterly unnecessary and irrelevant. There were plenty of opportunities to act and save both of themselves, yet all they did was spout useless drivel about love and make hysterics_."

Fenris blinked. And, to be honest, tried not to gape too much. Was this _Loki_ talking? Cold, silent, stoic Loki? The very same Loki who professed to know _nothing_ of human motivations and feelings?

He made a vaguely angry sound, fingers curling into fists. Years and years of obsession and pent-up frustration, finally released.

"That is why I do not understand you humans."

Fenris blinked again. And snorted. And sputtered. And started giggling. And, finally, she burst into full-fledged laughter, covering her mouth with one hand, shoulders shaking with unsuccessfully suppressed mirth. Loki eyed her strangely, waiting until it passed.

"Are you all right?"

"Ah, sorry," she gulped. Obviously, Loki was not the only one OOC tonight.

"Oh, Loki, is _this_ what makes you 'human, and yet not'?"

"No…" he paused, deciding to ignore her uncharacteristic display (and his, too). "But it is a large part of it. Why?"

"Because… well, _because_. Loki, do you have any idea of how human you are?"

"…"

"That little outburst… it proves that you are no more different than the rest of us. No less human."

"…"

"…"

"…_what?_"

"That was all? You do not understand us because we act irrationally and impulsively?"

"Yes."

She stifled another bout of giggles. If what she thought was true, then the explanation was so simple, it was ridiculous.

"Loki… you see, humans sometimes do not think with their brains."

"…"

"Here." She pressed her hand against her chest. "In many instances, we humans think with this. Even the Gods do, but in a slightly different way."

"I do not see you point."

"We think with our heart. Our mind might not know what to do; it might not be working at all. Or, most of the time, our heart simply overrides the mind, throwing all semblance of logic into the air. 'We get carried way.' The wonderful thing is, each and every one of our hearts is unique, every one of us feels differently. No one _truly_ understands_ why_. I think it is not meant to be _understood._"

She paused, and went on.

"Very few of us can always channel, or control or suppress our emotions, and act upon what our brains are telling us all the time. Just a few, but that doesn't make them inhuman."

"You simply think with your feelings?"

"Correct."

"But… that is not thinking at all!"

She actually _grinned_; looking like a teacher who had just explained to a particularly slow student that _yes_, one plus one _does _equal two.

"Precisely."

-

Up, alone in his room with only a snoring Iris for company, Chaos couldn't shake the feeling that he'd learned something very very important that day.

-

**End of Chapter One**

* * *

Note: The actual play? Um… probably something like Romeo and Juliet, only just one of them dies. 

Oh oh oh… I'm not ready for the responsibility of an actual _storyline_! I'm pretty sure I'll make a huge mess of this already…

Loki: I am absolutely certain you have and will. Everyone, please review, and corroborate my statement.


End file.
